Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.