your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.