I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good