I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-