TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
🤣✨#caturday
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street