Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Sheep
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years