Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.