Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
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Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.