My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle