The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I can’t be the only one 😂
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
That’s easy for you to say
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.