FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
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When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Cake!!
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?