Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
No regrets in 2018
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.