The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment