Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
This cat wants you to take your pills
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My typo game is string.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live