Something Saturday.
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend