I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
So the ex texted me
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before