*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
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I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
classic mixup
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
👾👾👾
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.