Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.