I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
You Might Also Like
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
get you a girl who
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly