If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
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I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
When someone trying to leave me
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth