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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
💁🏻♂️
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
@ candidates for local office
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]