What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
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I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar