“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
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My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
who did the taste test?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?