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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!