Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
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HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago