‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”