“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Human are so complicated
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED