Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
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I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’