Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
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Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.