If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat