If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.