I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
PLOT TWIST:
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is