Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
You Might Also Like
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?