30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
You Might Also Like
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.