early stone age tool
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[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”