ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese