I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
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It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Social distancing in Australia:
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’