When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.