The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
You Might Also Like
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!