Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
A friend sent me this.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
the last thing a carrot sees
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Fries, not lies.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.