Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Money is the root of all wealth
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*