*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
A game married people play.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.