If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
All food is good if you spell it wrong
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again