Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
the composer
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.