Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.