Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
step 6: release the wall snake
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.