God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
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My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
called in thicc to work this morning
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows