Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
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the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
See..?
.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*