Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Miscakes
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is