When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!